


Penance

by ChelseaDear



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Character Study, M/M, Post S7, Post-Canon, Rough Sex, Secret Relationship, Suicide, War, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:27:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29162631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChelseaDear/pseuds/ChelseaDear
Summary: His life had always had a purpose so much bigger than he could ever be alone, but he never thought it could be so...destitute. Despite surviving Order 66, Obi-Wan's life is over. He must become someone else, and he knows exactly how to do that.
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 70





	Penance

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely the fault of one  WeCouldPretend who, when given a choice between this one and one less ouchie, picked this one.
> 
> I promised them I'd keep Under the Setting Suns as non-sad as possible and all the angst I usually write has to come out SOMEWHERE.

Things had gone wrong before this.

It was the nature of life – things went wrong in the same way they went right; all things in balance, as they are meant to be.

Except this time there was no way to balance this, no pendulum swing that would show something good on the other side of this disaster. 

There was no good in this at all.

Balance was just...gone.

–

_There was rarely such a thing as privacy on the battlefield. Hell, there was rarely such a thing as **rest,** but Obi-Wan considered the long marches to the actual battles a part of the field. After all, they only marched like this when bringing their ships in wasn't an option. If it was part of the battle plan, so too was it part of the battle._

_After all, there was so much that could go wrong, so many variables that nobody could possibly think of all of them, nevertheless come up with contingency plans for each and every one._

_Which was why they had patrol shifts. On every march like this one, a handful of unlucky souls would have to sacrifice a few hours' sleep in the name of keeping everyone else safe. It was a lottery – there was a fairness to it that way – and it was one of the last things in Obi-Wan's life that he left to chance._

_Well, mostly._

_It was no accident that Cody had drawn the lot that meant he was assigned as his personal guard tonight._

_Cody had kept his helmet on when the lots were drawn to hide his giddiness; they both knew what Obi-Wan was after wasn't someone to look after him._

_What Obi-Wan wanted was **Cody**._

–

He'd heard there were other survivors, so he'd recorded a message for them, sent it out, hoped – no, _prayed_ – there were enough recipients to make a difference, hoped there were enough force-sensitive children _and_ teachers left to start anew somewhere they could be safe from this nightmare.

Force knew he'd never be safe from this.

–

_There was always a risk of getting caught; they both knew this._

_They both loved this._

_They'd had years of practice, both knew by now exactly how long it took to shed just enough of their clothes that Cody could fuck him while he bit down on Cody's fingers to muffle any sounds the Commander drew out of him, knew exactly how to bring the other to his climax in such a short amount of time it might have been embarrassing if they hadn't discussed it time and time again._

_When this was over, when they were safely somewhere neither of them considered an active battlefield, Cody would spend his time winding him up before drawing so many **loud** sounds out of him to make up for the need for this small amount of discretion. _

_But tonight, battlefield or not, just as the General needed his Commander by day, Obi-Wan needed Cody at night._

–

He'd replayed and erased and re-recorded the message so many times he stopped counting. The first time he'd tried, he'd crumbled under the weight of the necessity to see that any sparks of hope were tended to, fallen apart and _sobbed_ like he'd never sobbed before.

–

_There was never a 'best place' to fuck, just a 'nearest place with something resembling privacy.'_

_In this area and this area only did Obi believe nothing was truly sacred._

_In their earliest days, well before whatever this was had dared to take a shape that suggested it had staying power for the both of them, they'd fucked in more places than they cared to name – storage rooms, fighter ships, even the air vents, once, when they'd been unable to find another suitable space and had wound each other too tightly to give much thought to, well, to anything at all._

_That was only once, though, and while they laughed at the memory they'd taken to casing possible places _before_ they started pawing at each other like they were young and in love, like their lives had made room for them to be young together._

_Because, well, no matter how young the heart, the knees were a different story and there was no saving grace in an air vent._

_But oh, how he **loved** Cody. On principle, sure, but also for how well Cody was able to **just know** what he needed, loved the skill with which Cody could take him apart before piecing him back together again, loved how Cody felt buried inside him._

_Oh, how he loved Cody._

–

He kept trying again, though, over and over and over; Anakin's stubbornness hadn't been entirely inborn – Obi-Wan had just never been able to whittle Anakin's into something that didn't burn the boy up from the inside out.

The things about sparks of hope, he knew, was that if poorly tended they tended to catch the wrong things on fire, and any resulting blazes looked like loss instead.

–

_Cody had understood that Obi-Wan had had a life before him, understood that he had even had a life before swearing himself to the Jedi order._

_It was rare they spoke of it, and even more rare that Cody asked questions. But, as will all things, there were exceptions._

_When Obi-Wan had returned from Mandalore, shaken and empty, Cody had said something about needing to catch the General up on something before hauling the both of them to Obi-Wan's own quarters, in the heart of the Temple, and only needed to ask, “How can I help?” before Obi-Wan shook apart in all the ways he hadn't allowed himself to when Bo Katan and her allies had hauled him away from Satine's body._

_Cody – bless the man – had only held him and guided him into a sitting position on the floor and stripped off his armor so Obi-Wan had something soft to break apart on._

_When Obi-Wan could stand on his own, Cody had risen with him and instead of leaving him to his own devices, he lead him to the bed and had just...held him._

_And while Obi-Wan couldn't tell exactly when this thing between them had crossed from 'a desperate thing between desperate men' into 'something that may yet become a foundation for the both of them,' but when he woke up the next morning to Cody still holding him tight was the moment he realized it had, indeed, shifted into just that._

–

Anakin's children had been sent different ways, the last of his once-student's line rent apart and proverbially scattered across the stars. (Thankfully, but he was nowhere near so lost he'd consider _not literally scattering newborn infants across the stars_ a good thing.)

One was going to be safe, he knew, with Senator Organa – despite the way the Senate had shaken itself apart, Organa had remained steadfast, unflinching. Organa, Obi-Wan knew, would always be that like. Without fear and without compromise.

He could not say the same for himself.

–

_He remembered the moment all this had started, this desperation and rawness and **hunger**. He'd just spent several weeks legally dead and, upon his return, his Commander kept **looking** at him in ways he couldn't understand._

_After everyone who needed to know – Cody included – was briefed on what had transpired and why, Obi-Wan had called his Commander in for a private meeting. He looked downright spooked in ways Obi-Wan didn't know someone born for battle **could** be spooked._

_Once they were alone, Obi-Wan hadn't said anything, but rather chose to wait until his Commander said something._

_They both waited in silence for a while before Cody finally said, “Please never do that again, sir.”_

_Obi-Wan had put a hand on Cody's shoulder and, despite being in full armor, Cody had **shivered.**_

_“Sorry, sir,” Cody had **looked down** and Obi-Wan's heart broke in ways he thought impossible for someone like him._

_“You are forgiven,” he promised Cody, “Always, always forgiven.”_

_“I,” Cody was looking everywhere but at Obi-Wan, “I appreciate your faith in me, sir.”_

_“Cody?” Obi-Wan hadn't removed his hand from Cody's shoulder, “Cody, what is it?”_

_“Forgive me, sir,” Cody managed to make eye contact with Obi-Wan but it was clear it was a forced, painful thing._

_Obi-Wan sighed._

_“Look, I knew the secrecy was less than ideal, but it was **necessary,** ” he told Cody, “I won't hold it against you if you hold it against me, though.”_

_Cody said nothing, but Obi-Wan could tell he'd guessed wrong about what was troubling his Commander so terribly._

_Obi-Wan squeezed Cody's shoulder despite knowing he couldn't feel the gesture under his armor, but he much have felt **something** because he shivered again and looked away and stammered the start of a word Obi-Wan couldn't even try to guess at and suddenly so many things **made sense.**_

_Little things, things that, when they'd happened, had been overlooked altogether because they didn't carry any weight._

_But the thing about tiny things was that, even if they were weightless on their own, they could crush someone if enough of them amassed in the same place._

_Like, say, a heart or a mind._

_Obi-Wan took a deep breath that he had to be mindful didn't turn into a sigh and moved his hand from Cody's shoulder to the other man's cheek and Cody grabbed it instantly and..._

_...and held it there._

_Obi-Wan grabbed Cody's free hand with his own, brought it up to his lips, and kissed the armored fingers gently. He closed his eyes to do so and as such missed the expression that accompanied Cody's almost inaudible whimper._

_What he did not miss, however, was the way Cody's hand pressed his harder against his cheek._

_“Forgive me,” Cody's voice was barely more than a whisper, “I know we're...”_

_Words had failed but Obi-Wan **smiled** and looked at Cody and Cody's fear started to dissolve._

_Neither of them would be able to recall exactly what happened afterwards, but one of them had stepped forward – perhaps they both had – and they became a tangle of lips and teeth and tongue and they fumbled together to strip Cody of his armor and kissed some more, all the hunger and fear and loss and suffering the war had etched into their souls being slowly buffed out be the other._

_“Sir,” Cody said when Obi-Wan needed to take more than a shallow breath._

_“Cody, please” Obi-Wan realized he **wanted** to beg Cody for things, “call me Obi-Wan.”_

_“Obi-Wan,” Cody said his name like he was tasting it. Cody hummed and nodded ever so slightly and said, “Obi-Wan,” again except this time it came with something so raw and honest it felt like the last untamed thing in the universe._

_“Cody,” Obi-Wan felt like they'd just made some sort of trade that he couldn't take back._

_He did not want to take it back, anyway._

_He leaned forward to catch Cody in another kiss. Cody kissed like he fought – without mercy and without regard for himself because his attention was on everyone else around him._

_And when Obi-Wan was the only one around?_

_Cody gave him no less attention, not by any stretch. All that attention and all that desire to **serve** and **care for** was Obi-Wan's and Obi-Wan's alone._

–

Where he took the boy was safe, too, maybe, but also maybe not. Tatooine was a planet known for its lawlessness, the Hutts who ruled there a product of their environment instead of the other way around.

But if the Republic had never brought the planet to heel, perhaps the fledgling Empire wouldn't be able to, either.

Chance was not a thing Obi-Wan believed in anymore, if he ever had to begin with.

He wasn't sure what, exactly, he believed anymore, but chance and fairness and balance weren't on that list.

–

_It became a habit, almost, to take every single spare moment in which they found themselves the sole occupants to spend it kissing. It was almost always a desperate thing, a fever-pitch of need and want come to fruition._

_Cody would never ask anything of Obi-Wan, oh no; the lingering fear that he was out of line had not been something Cody had been able to extinguish entirely._

_Which, given how much Obi-Wan loved begging Cody for things, meant it wasn't really a problem._

_And so, on one of the rare moments they found themselves in Obi-Wan's rooms **and** knew they would be undisturbed for a while, Obi-Wan asked, “Cody, will you please fuck me?” with absolutely no preamble._

_Cody's breath had caught in his chest for a moment but he said, “Yes,” with his hands already fumbling to strip Obi-Wan of his robes and himself of his blacks at the same time, not enough hands and too many articles of clothing between them, “Yes, Obi-Wan.”_

_Cody had all but thrown him on the bed and Obi-Wan **gasped** and Cody looked like he was about to hesitate so Obi-Wan told him, “You can do that any time.”_

_And Cody had **growled** and Obi-Wan had **whimpered** and said, “Please,” and Cody was there, on top of him, kissing him again with far too many teeth and Obi-Wan wondered why they hadn't done this sooner._

_Cody was rutting against him – though to be fair he was also rutting against Cody – and there were so many sounds and pleas and so much **need** that it became impossible to tell where one ended and the other began._

_Cody told him to flip over and Obi-Wan was in such a hurry to comply that he'd nearly chucked himself off the bed. Cody caught him and they both laughed but then Cody put a hand in Obi-Wan's hair and pushed his face down into the mattress and asked, “Good?”_

_“More than,” Obi-Wan managed to get his knees under himself and kept his head down, “Cody, please, whatever thought process was behind that, keep going.”_

_“I don't want to hurt you,” Cody hesitated._

_“You won't,” Obi-Wan promised him, “You can't.”_

_Cody chuckled in a way that made Obi-Wan shiver._

_Cody put a hand on either of Obi-Wan's hips and raised them a little higher, pressed against Obi-Wan to measure where they landed together, pulled him a little higher before he asked, “Can you hold yourself up like this?”_

_“Yeah,” Obi-Wan told him, “Yes.”_

_“Good,” Cody ran a hand down his spine, drawing a shiver from Obi-Wan, “I. Give me a minute, do you have anything to...” Cody trailed off and Obi-Wan could **feel** the other man looking around the room._

_And in what, had it been something the others on the Jedi council knew about, would have been called 'a gross misuse of the force,' Obi-Wan told him, “Don't worry about that.”_

_Cody made a sound caught between surprise and incredulity as he registered what Obi-Wan meant by that._

_“Well,” Cody recovered quickly, “alright then.”_

_Everything that came after was a blur of selfless pleasure and all the right kinds of pain and hair-pulling and a nearly-unbroken stream of begging partial sentences from Obi-Wan accompanied by an equally nearly-unbroken stream of praise from Cody until Cody said, “I, shit, I-”_

_“Yes,” Obi-Wan encourage him, “Yes!”_

_“Inside?” Cody managed two syllables._

_“Yes,” Obi-Wan repeated, “Please, Cody. **Please.** ”_

_Cody came with a shout as he buried himself as far inside Obi-Wan as he could. Obi-Wan cried out and gripped the sheets as he **felt** everything like he was new at this._

_Cody – ever the soldier – reached around and gripped Obi-Wan's shaft and started to stroke him off despite his own chest heaving like he'd been running for hours._

_When Obi-Wan came, he threw his head back and knocked it against Cody's forehead and Cody had reached forward with his free hand to shove Obi-Wan's face into the mattress to keep them both from getting hurt._

_Obi-Wan let himself lie down, Cody still atop him, muttered something he hoped conveyed 'That was fantastic we need to do that more often also sorry about that last little bit there,' and it must have hit the mark because Cody nodded and made a noise of agreement and let himself go limp, let himself truly relax for the first time in his **life,** content and safe and exhausted._

–

He'd spent weeks casing the planet, trying to find a way he could be close-ish to the child, could watch him grow up from afar – if he was lucky he'd never have to do anything more than that, wait and watch. He wasn't sure he'd be able to fight off any Imperials who came for the boy should they find out about the child.

Perhaps how well-kept the secret of Anakin being married – nonetheless expecting a child – was the force trying to rail against its dying days.

And was that not the nature of dying things, to reach out so frantically for something to hold onto that it was more akin to lashing out?

–

_Chaos._

_That was the only word for it. Chaos._

_If he let any other words in, it would get him killed._

_The war should have been over – and perhaps it was and this was some sort of nightmare instead of something that managed to be even worse than the war he'd been fighting._

_The clones – all of them, based on the screams for help and answers that kept getting cut short – had mutinied. It happened so quickly – they were fine and then **something** had gone wrong and Obi-Wan had found himself having to **slaughter** his own men. It was a 'them or him' situation and he was still selfish like that._

_He still wanted to live._

_There was only one left, and he didn't want to do this._

_“Sir,” Cody's voice was broken, “Sir, please, I-”_

_“Fight it, Cody,” he commanded, “Whatever's going on right now, **you fight it,** understood?”_

_“Can't-” Cody broke off, “Don't want to,” Cody's entire body was shaking as he drew his blaster.”_

_“Commander Cody!” Obi-Wan tried to make himself into the General, needed to see if he could, he wasn't sure what he was trying to do, maybe pull rank? “You stop that this instant.”_

_“Can't,” Cody drew his blaster and seemed to be genuinely struggling **not** to raise it, “Don't want. Don't **want** to hurt you...”_

_“Cody,” something inside of Obi-Wan broke, “Cody, I. I'm sorry. Whatever's going on, I am so, so sorry.”_

_Despite his sorrow, he drew his lightsaber._

_If nothing else, he decided that he would go down fighting._

_“You are forgiven,” Cody's voice was too clear as he turned his blaster so it was pointed at himself instead with a jerky movement, “Always, always forgiven.”_

_And then Cody pulled the trigger, taking everything Obi-Wan had left in the universe that he still considered **his** with him._

–

Even though he'd settled here, Tatooine would never be his home.

No, his home was dead along with everyone he'd managed to cobble together to make it _his._

Tatooine was his penance, though he knew he'd never be forgiven.

Not by himself.

**Author's Note:**

> I hurt my own feelings with this one.


End file.
